Saturday, September 12, 2009

September 10th

Just took Gonzo off the ceiling fan. God is that funny... Never get tired of watching that. Just have to say to whoever finds this, you really need to read my most recent entry, besides this one, to have any idea what the hell I'm about to talk about.
Just wanted to make a small note here that I received an update on last nights crew. Nobody seems to be ok. Seems like I'm the only one that made it out unharmed. By far, my most dangerous mission yet.  Harry is in the hospital in an ass cast. I'm not sure how that is going to work for him for the next few weeks. I'll send him some prune juice. He was drinking quite a bit of it last night, so I know he likes it. That'll make him feel better!

Dean was found rambling about his mother, while on foot running down the highway. Nobody ever found out what happened to the Pinto. Bill was taken to the hospital due to a severe asthma attack. Nit wit! He never told us he had asthma! Guess he deserves it. But the one who fared the worst was Chaz, who ran into the woods bouncing off trees & tripping on branches. He wound up over a fence into a yard full of dobies. I think he's going to be in the hospital longer than Harry!
My superiors aren't going to be too happy. But at least it wasn't my idea. But I really thought it sounded good. It's all Harry now. His idea.  Read the previous entry to find out what happened.

AW Journal September 10th

This is my most recent entry since my previous entry. Just got out of bed. Ears are still ringing from last nights catastrophe. I've never seen anything like it. I suppose I'll document last nights events later on after breakfast. I should have my whits about me by then.

Breakfast went without a hitch. Me & Gonzo had peanut butter & bologna English muffins. Ran out of relish, but mustard was a handy substitute. Didn't dare use the toaster for the English muffins since last weeks episode, still missing hair over that one. Best to let sleeping dogs lye.

Last night me, Harry, & 3 new recruits went out to do our nightly terrorist acts to bring down the establishment. We were still jacked up from the rally, probably why we didn't think things through. Harry came up with a great idea that would aid in the whole tear down the establishment till we are the establishment thing. This is the first time I had gone out at night with Harry, I quickly saw the genius in his plan. It went as follows...

We load up with supplies. Cherry bombs, WD-40, a lighter, used cat litter armed with cat tootsie rolls, paper bags, a whistle, & Harry's get away car, a Ford Pinto.

The Idea was to find the most vulnerable house on a side street, one of us, Chaz recruit 1, instead of banging on the door, would carefully place & ignite a cherry bomb on the door step. (We didn't want anyone getting hurt by banging on the door & running away in the dark. There's tons of stuff to trip over... Things of that nature. We felt this is the best substitute to get our victim's attention.)
As soon as the bomb went off, with Chaz now safe & out of the way, Bill recruit 2, would blow the whistle.
I would use my make shift WD-40 & lighter flame thrower to ignite the paper bag now loaded with a lethal combination of cat tootsie rolls & used cat litter.
Harry would throw it into position.
Dean recruit 3, in the drivers seat, waiting for us to jump into the Pinto, & would take us safely away. Just far enough to be able to watch the fruits of our labor blossom into civil mayhem, someone stomping out the fire & making a mess all over their shoe & doorstep! GENIUS!

Everything was going according to plan. Dean parked the car along the curb, parallel to the house we had chosen. The bag had been filled at my house. Gonzo was pissed, but he'll have to take one for the team. Three of us got out of the car in full uniform as usual. Nothing more, nothing less. Chaz made it to the door lit the wick, placed it in front of the door & took some steps to run away, but became entranced by the beauty of the wick's light. I had no idea about this, as I was concentrating on my part of this plan. We had discussed that timing was everything. So I stood at ready with can & lighter in hand, staring at the bag in Harry's hand waiting for the explosion.
The cherry bomb touching off in the middle of the night sent a boom that echoed throughout the neighborhood! It was magnificent! But it scared the crap out of all of us. Chaz screamed & took off into the woods. You could hear him falling over branches & running into trees. I panicked! I ignited the lighter & squeezed the trigger on the can setting the paper bag ablaze, thus taking Harry out of shock from the bang. He hesitated a moment , held the bag back to launch it over the car & toward the door, but the bag, now burning, burst! Flaming embers hit Harry's rear end, lighting his full set of depends, blasting into an inferno! With Harry shouting running around with his ass on fire, Dean panicked & took off with the car, Bill ran around in circles following Harry, blowing the whistle like a complete idiot! I took off into the night, fearing the attention that the light from Harry's issue was creating, & the whistle.
Haven't called anyone yet to see if everyone was ok. Harry must be sore... The shaft of fire that shot from his diaper melted the fibers on my mask. Not a big deal, there's about 12 more in the basement where I keep all of my supplies.
So that's why I'm a bit sluggish today.
Just got off the phone with Harry. Poor bastard! I won't get into details, but he could have figured a better place to hide his cherry bombs! Probably won't see him at any of the rallys for a few weeks.

I'll make a new entry later on. Need to put a new layer of tape over my windows after I watch Oprah. Till next time!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

AW Journal September 1st

Was just woken up from a sound sleep to the sound of banging at my door. Seemed like forever before it stopped. I have a policy, there's nobody worth speaking to before 1:00 in the afternoon. So I'm going back to bed.

Damn door! Some imbecile is banging at my door again! And I was just starting to doze off. Why don't they know that I'm trying to sleep? I know that my loyal activities of my order haven't yet been tracked to me... I never forget to wear my full uniform, mask & all. I will outlast them... I must outlast them. The lesson to never bother me before I'm well rested will never sink in if I give in now!

BASTARDS! They haven't stopped since my last entry! Banging over & over.... Making me nuts! What could they possibly want, that's so important, that I'm not allowed to get the sleep that I need? I'd peek out my window, but can't. This is the first time that I've regretted covering my windows with masking tape.

Got sick of trying to sleep with all that noise. Relocated into into the cellar to deaden the noise. I will not be defeated! Unfortunately, this may be a short lived plan if I can't stomach the stink down here. Been throwing my depends down here for months now. Don't want anybody finding them in the trash. Secrecy is my greatest weapon. Don't want to be sloppy. But can I sleep down here with several months worth of due diligence? I'm going to try it anyway. I don't care what my stomach is trying to tell me.

Just came out of the bathroom. I just lost the entirety of last nights dinner all over the sink, myself, toilet & floor, & simultaneously filled my depends. I'm better now, thought I could take it, guess not. But now I have a new hazing technique to use on the recruits, & the knocking stopped. I guess I should count my blessings, thank God this all happened!

Just checked the door to find out if there was still someone there. There wasn't. All I found was a note from mother. I got half way through it before I started beating my cat. Poor Gonzo, he'll never learn. I'll have to read the rest later after I calm down. Kind of funny though, I'm not sure that I remember the first half. Something about the gravy train over, stop sending recruits for supper, moving very far away, something to that effect. There was a woman walking down the street with her kids while I was outside looking for the source of my grief. She grabbed the children by the shoulders & scurried away while passing my house. Must have been the ski mask, vomit & dirty depends. I'll never be discovered. Not even outside my own house. My cape was in the wash. Good thing too. If I was wearing it she may have recognized me from the other night. She looks like the one who caught me cat tootsie rolling her exhaust pipe up the street from here. It never would have happened that way if I wasn't screaming from the burns from that hot exhaust pipe. She got out of the car & caught me on the spot. Maybe she tracked me here... Maybe I left a trail of tootsie rolls & cat litter as I was flailing my arms around, screaming. I'll be more careful next time.

Just got off the phone with Norman. He's thrilled with the mask that I picked up for him. Loves the flame job. He & I are going out tonight with a couple recruits & 100 bucks worth of pennies. We're going to syncronize our watches, divy up the pennies, & spread out to different stores. At exactly 8:00, we're all going to hit the registers & bring this town down to a crawl!

I'll enter more later. I've got to find Gonzo & see to breakfast.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

AW Journal August 29th

This is my first entry since my last entry. Been scanning the news for days. No mention of anything that I've previously accomplished. They must have buried it for their own safety. Me and Gonzo just ate breakfast. Baked clams, broccoli, eggs, & beans. This is the first time Gonzo's gotten near me since the whole cleats ordeal. I'm glad he's forgiven me, & I've realized that it was my fault since I'm the one who didn't let him get to his cat box when I closed the bathroom door. Now that I think of it, maybe it wasn't me... I'll have to go search the house.

Norman just called. He didn't hear the message that I left for him, warning him to stay away from the mall. He told me his story... Tried to pick up that quarter for over 3 hours till mall security asked him to leave or shop, & also informed him that he was scaring patrons with his ski mask. He was arrested for knocking down one of the guards while trying to pull the shiny badge off of his shirt.  One of the many weapons they use against those of my order. They polish those badges to a shine that can't be ignored. Tricky devils.

Just finished watching Gloria Childs reruns. She kills me. Unfortunatley, I can't wait around to see what's on next. I've volenteered to help out in the recruiting dept. this evening. Assweeds nationwide go to every colledge campus & park bench, to find new blood to keep the order rolling. So our true identities are't known, we do this in full garb. Ski mask, depends & a cape. No more, no less. There have been a few complaints from our northers divisions, particularly around winter time, but in the end, they know they don't suffer like those in the southern states. Sweaty faces, bugs & all. Norman needs a new skimask, since they threw it out on him at the police station. He asked me earlier to pick him up a new one, but a different color so he is not recognized, now that the police knows his mask was brown & pink. That Norm, always thinking ahead.

I'm off to my recruiting post. After my last entry, I thought about it & called Norm back. Told him that I'll get him a new mask when it's safe to go back to the mall. I don't want to get in the same mess that he did. Plus it's too hot for me there right now, since they might have caught me on canera placing down the quarter. Why do they have to be on those light posts? Phil just started to walk again after he tried to glue pictures of an empty parkinglot to the lenses. He fell off the ladder & landed on a row of shopping carts. His plan was sound, but for the part where he would tell me when to take off with the ladder to the next camera... Just another casualty of war.
Anyways, I've got my bouncy balls & my blindfold ready for the new recruits, those who chase the ball, are those who will fall into place in the order of Assweeds. Should be a good night so long as I remember to put my blindfold on before I unleash the ball. Got into a fist fight last time. Don't want that to happen again.

Till the next time!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

AW Journal august 24th

I just woke up. This is my first entry, but may be my last. Went to the rally last night. Left pumped up over the cause. However, progress is moving too slowly for me to handle, so tonight I've decided to take matters into my own hands. Will lay it out later, tellatubbies is on.

Just scared myself half to death. Left the ski mask on after the rally last night,  saw myself in the mirror while going to the bathroom. Thought there was an intruder... Just me. I'm ok, but the mess I made is overwhelming. Will try to get through my Eight is Enough season 3 collection & hope the mess will work itself out on it's own.

Just re-reading my last entry to make sure it really happened that way. It did. All is well.

Thinking about a meal before I take the action that I've bestowed upon myself to further my cause. Don't dare to cook ever since the accident with that damn turkey, so I'm going to order out. I hope that nobody recognizes me over the phone.

Got part way through the menu provided in my phone book & punched my cat. Poor Gonzo. He should know not to bother me when I read.

Just finished my meal. Pizza, wings, salad & beans. It was a great meal! Hope it's not my last. But if it is so be it. I ate the salad to make it an official last meal just in case. I'm ready to leave now, so this may be my last entry again. I've stripped down, got my mask on so I'm incognito, my yellow AW cape to cause fear in the event of trouble, & my depends on just in case. Such are the fatigues of my order. With me I am taking my weapons of choice. An empty white plastic bag, a TV remote, super glue, & a quarter. If I make it through my first act of public mayhem, I will make an entry. If things don't go well... Mother, I'm sorry. You were right about me. You were right.

First mission accomplished! The empty bag has been launched! I saw it floating around the street as I was pulling away. I witnessed distant headlights behind me swerving! Success! On to mission two. This will be my most taxing mission yet. If anything happens to me, please feed my cat. He likes yodels & green beans. Thanks.

I'm alright & will be the envy of my peers! The havoc I've created with my remote is without bounds! People calling their cable company complaining, others blaming ghosts, others beating their remotes... I am a GOD!

The quarter is in stuck place outside the mall's main entrance. Damn cameras! I had to tuck the end of my cape into my depends, in an attempt to keep their attention off of me. Something I'll deal with in the morning. Forgot & tried to pick up the quarter myself after. Damn. Otherwise I'm OK.

Made it home & my cat is pissed. Even though I've filled my depends, I am going to watch the news all night to reap the benefits of my toil. Wait till the guys at the hall hear about this. I'll have to call them all & try to keep them away from the mall. Should have thought of that earlier...Will continue tomorrow.